When talking to Jen, one of my admins, tonight a conversation topic came up that has come up a few times this week.
When blink-182's song All The Small Things fourteen years ago, I was instantly a fan; I still am, and I love their new music just as much as I love their old music. I was in primary school when that song was released, and it was before my friend had even met the father of her children.
When I was still deciding what secondary school I wanted to go to and having the first of many existential crises, Jen was looking after her baby - that tiny little bundle has made a book cover for Senate of Blood that I'll be using soon.
This time last year I was tired, and going through something that hurt. My grandmother was ill, but more than that, there were other circumstances going on that hurt me too, and they had barely begun. I had nothing but support from my friends, and nothing I can ever do or say will be enough to thank them all for that. I do feel like I was too demanding on some of the closest people to me - consider this my very public apology for that.
That said, there are naturally positives. There have been moments in my life that I have wanted to last forever. Truthfully, even though we have moved on from that moment, had to react to it, or maybe even forgotten about it completely, is that moment not frozen in time? That single second of our life happened, and that moment exists. It may only exist in the past, but it is frozen, locked away so that no one can touch it, no one can taint it. That perfect, happy moment is always going to exist.
Now we all look forward.
Anyone who has known me for way too long will know that I demand a lot of myself. I know, realistically, that is so not going to change dramatically, but I want to make a start on having it change a little.
To some, it might seem that I have lowered my expectations of myself for 2014 - my New Year Resolution list includes "Live to see 2015" but that might be a challenge. I have no idea what 2014 will hold. I hope to be posting a blog in exactly a year's time and say how wonderful it all has been, and here's to an amazing 2015, but I am an adult and I am not a child. I'm 23, and I know that life can be bloody awful, with heartbreak and grief. This is not a perfect world, and sometimes I am thankful for that. I have been asked why my resolution isn't to be happy, but I think it makes life difficult. If you are forcing yourself to be happy at all times, you will not appreciate the feelings you do have - surprise, fear, love. There is more to life than just one.
You might ask why I'm not setting slightly more bigger resolutions, like fixing my sleeping patterns. It is 3.40am and I am typing this to you, fully awake. That, for me, is normal. I like this hour, the quiet and the solitude, and I don't feel the need [yet] to "fix" it. I also enjoy watching the foxes play outside.
I hope that 2014 is not as emotionally chaotic as this year has been. I hope that there are just as many good times in it, and I hope that, if there must be bad times, they are things that I can deal with, without getting too hurt and too broken. I hope I let none of you down, and that my literary publications continue to be something you enjoy. I hope, truly hope, that all I have learned throughout 2013 will not go to waste.
I hope you all have the best 2014 you can have.
See you next year!
E