I'm not sure how to talk to people. You see, I respond to what someone is saying: I ask questions, I try to make the appropriate responses. I watch other conversations and to me it feels like sometimes people are talking at each other, instead of to each other.
"I did this today."
"Oh I did this today."
"Yesterday I did this."
"I did that yesterday."
"I have to go now."
"Bye."
Now I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that at all, I'm just thinking aloud I guess.
Side note: I understand the irony in play here. I'm writing about talking at people, while this is just a one sided piece I'm typing. I'm expecting someone to read this; look at the first paragraph. I'm expecting to take up someone's time and energy with all this rambling nonsense, and I'm not even sure if it is worth my own time and energy.
Talking of energy... I'm disabled. I'm very open about my disability to an extent. I talk about my chronic pain and dislocations, passing out, migraines, the list goes on. I don't talk about the things I find embarrassing, and I don't know if I want to; I know it is my choice, but sometimes I feel like I'm being dishonest. Ask me about my disability and I'll happily give you a list of all the joints I've currently got dislocated (right now, it is left shoulder, right hip, left knee, and I'm mildly suspicious about a rib or two), but I won't tell you about the time... See? Can't even say what happened when I'm trying to be open about it all.
All around the house there are reminders that I'm disabled too. Wheelchair as you enter, handrails, chair lift, my spare crutches, medical alarms, the wheelchair in the bathroom, the toilet frame. I get no escape from it, ever. I'm aware I shouldn't; all these things are in place to help me exist and function, but wouldn't it be nice to just have a full day without the constant reminders, a break from being disabled?
I've not been blogging or reading recently. My depression has returned and I've not yet admitted to myself. It happens, my depression goes in cycles. I think this is why I'm doing this, just getting everything that is in my head out of it, to have a break from my own thoughts. This way, you get to have my thoughts instead. Maybe you can be productive with them.
Since I'm half way through my masters, a family member asked me what I want to do with my degrees. I replied "Enjoy it" but honestly I'm not sure what I even meant by that. A decade ago I would have said I wanted to lecture, or be a researcher, something in a university. Now I have to set out a week just to go the library because my immune system is so weak chances are I'll get a cold a few days later. I'm not sure what my future holds. I just know that I have a future.
So here we are, at the end of the rambling chaos that has been floating through my head for the last few months. I want to end this on a positive note, a little "Go out there, and talk to someone!" but... That's not my place to say. As such, I'll end the way I always do, by signing my initial.
E