Trigger warnings for depression, anxiety, and all the symptoms of such, including self harm and suicidal thoughts.
A fortnight later, I was sitting in the school chaplain's office with the school psychologist. Before that point, I didn't know we even had one, I thought we only had a school chaplain. I explained how I felt, what I was thinking... at least I assume I did, I have no memory of it.
A fortnight after that, I had an appointment to see another psychologist. It was awkward and difficult. I didn't know what to say, or how to respond to some of the questions she was asking me. I was scared that if I said how suicidal I was, that I would be considered "mad" or a danger. I felt stigmatised, ashamed of something out of my control, and that didn't help my depression. After a few months of weekly sessions as I started to adjust to therapy, we started CBT.
For the uninitiated, CBT is cognitive behavioural therapy. In short, CBT is set around a core idea of there being a cycle. You have a low mood, so you have low thoughts, and in return you may do things that are less than helpful, leading you to have a low mood. CBT is about breaking that cycle, such as working out what behaviours you do when in a low mood, like maybe not socialising. There are more details than that, obviously, but that is the very basics. It works for a huge amount of people.
CBT made me feel like I was analysing myself too much. I resorted to self harm, and fourteen years later I still have the a couple of scars from it. After a while, I told my psychologist about that too, and we stopped the CBT immediately. We changed the sessions to every fortnight as my GCSEs were approaching, and we did just standard talking therapy. I talked about the problems I had, and the good things that happened too. I talked about how my coursework was stressing me out, but I celebrated good grades. This set the core of what I do now: I focus on the good things, even if they seem small and insignificant.
When I was 16, and not long after getting my GCSE results, my psychologist decided it was time I was ready to not be in therapy any more. I agreed with her. I wasn't suicidal, and I was doing a lot better with my self harm. I hadn't fully stopped, but I had made incredible progress towards stopping. Not long after, I stopped self harming completely.
My depression never went away. In 2016, age 25, I asked my GP if I could go on antidepressants. I wasn't ready for therapy, I knew that, and she understood why. I went on a very low dose and once the initial side effects had settled down I found myself wanting to do things again. I spent most of 2013 bed bound, and I stopped wanting to see anyone. It wasn't "all of a sudden" but I did start noticing some changes in my reactions to situations. I wanted to have conversations with friends. I wanted to go outside. I wanted to read again, after not reading for fun for years.
I did a few bits of group therapy, but I didn't find them that helpful. The first was CBT based, and even though I didn't have it as bad as I had done, I did still feel myself slipping into old habits, and I found it a struggle to not do that. The second was specifically around self harm and suicide, focused on distress tolerance. This one I found incredibly helpful, but it only lasted eight weeks; I do think if I return to therapy, this is what I'll ask for. I still use some of the techniques, and it taught me how to ask for help.
Last year I was taken off those antidepressants because they had the potential of making some of the symptoms of my disability worse. Instead, I was moved onto another antidepressant. Within a few months the brain fog caused by the first lot had almost gone. I still slip up on words, forget certain words and phrases, and generally have a hard time with language skills. That said, my reading speed has almost returned to what it was before I was on the antidepressants, and I'm able to read a novel in less than 20 hours. In fact, some novels I can read in less than two hours now. That is a massive change from what it was.
I still have depression. I still battle thoughts of self harm and suicide. I'm still not ready for therapy, but I know I need to return to it at some point, and I know what helps.
I no longer have any shame about my depression or anxiety. I still struggle with the stigma of having mental health issues, but I no longer care. My depression is as much a part of me as my physical disability. My anxiety can impact my life just as much as my physical disability.
Speaking out is incredibly difficult. Even working out that you are facing demons can be incredibly difficult. If you are comfortable talking about your mental health, please do; you never know who it might help.
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